Just letting Him

She sat there for at least 15 minutes. Crying because she wanted Mommy to help her down, not Daddy. But because mommy was at the moment busy helping sister walk, and daddy standing right there when she asked for help to get down, he was the one who responded. But "No!" she yelled "I want mommy!!" Much as she absolutely loves daddy, there are times when she sees sister getting attention and insists that only mommy will do. They've happened enough, that we knew this wasn't a time to give in. She needed to learn who was in charge, and it wasn't her.

So she sat. She sat while her sister explored and enjoyed the leaves on a beautiful fall day. She sat while we walked down the path, hoping our absence would encourage her to give up the struggle. But though daddy was standing there, ready to help, she refused to let him. Finally, we couldn't wait any longer - it was time for naps, and so he pried her hands off and started the trek home. And she learned. After talking about it, she said "Next time, I won't throw a fit. I'll let Daddy help me." It is a good lesson for an almost three year old to learn. I held her on the walk home and explained that even I am a woman under authority, that I am called to submit, to God, and also to my husband. We talked yet again about the verse that says "children obey your parents" and that even though mommy loves her so much, she can't have all of my attention all the time...

But as she sat, I prayed for her. And I was reminded of how often I just sit, wanting my own way, thinking my plan is best. Refusing to let go and let God be the one in charge. Insisting that there can't be any other way but what I think will make me feel good. Sitting and missing the joy that could be mine, if I would just submit to my loving Father's will.

I do it in small ways, and I do it in large ways. Each time I learn to trust my Father more, but somehow I still keep having to learn again. And yet, each time I see how faithful and gentle and patient my Father is. How He lets me sit, to learn, and yet moves me when He knows the time is right.

I pray Hadassah learns to trust her earthly parents, and pray that she won't resist us in stubbornness. But most of all, I pray that she will learn to trust her heavenly Father, Because although we fail her in many ways, He never will. And what peace as a parent there is to know that.

Lessons in Dependence

Sometimes it just takes one more thing to make everything seem like a big deal. This time it was a cell phone that (again...) randomly wouldn't get the confirmation text code I needed to use on a confusing Chinese website (Taobao). Being up 'til 11 PM didn't help matters. And I suppose I was due another "nothing makes sense" moment after a "this feels like home" day and post. ;)

Ryan was up late working on a project for a recently announced close deadline, so I thought I should see if I could find a picture for our living room wall. Its blankness has been begging to be filled since we got it painted, but the colors are hard to match. After days of on-and-off searching, we'd finally ordered one, only to have it arrive MUCH more red than it looked online (we needed something orange!), and it was pretty low pixel quality. There went more money... With the website and seller all in Chinese, we weren't about to try figuring out a return, so it went to the trash pile in hopes someone could use it. To do anything here just costs more.

So, after 30 pages of "sunrise decorative paintings,", I had some options for Ryan to help narrow down. We landed on a perfect one... peaceful, not over-powering, and even pulling in the color of our mauve couches. So I set about the 10+ step check-out process, only to run into issues (of course) on the payment part. Really, as I copy and paste and try to make sense of weird - and often hilarious! - translations, I'm surprised we get anything... But 90% of the time time, stuff shows up at our door a few days after ordering, and it's the only way to get some things, so we still try.

Our bank card's security step needed something installed, a special Chinese character set. We have it installed on a different computer, but after looking like it was going to give out for months, the computer's power cord stopped giving charge. Sometimes not having a Best Buy or even a Walmart close by is really annoying, but just 3 weeks and we'll be able to replace it...

So, there went that. The "click to download" of course didn't work (with Chinese pop-ups we couldn't understand so we just tried clicking what seemed to be the right buttons). Ryan would have to sit and try to figure it out later, so hopefully that order could be completed in a day or two.

I should have given up there, but since Ryan was still going strong (the effects of an afternoon coffee for this purpose!), I thought I may as well look for an oven, since I never have the brain power to figure out Chinese sites while Hadassah is awake. Not that I ever really figure them out! ;) But, I know myself... Being up late makes me think less clearly, and I should have just stopped.

But... but our oven has not been working well for quite sometime. I thought it was just because it's basically a big toaster oven (almost the only thing available here), and that it was just losing heat or not able to heat up enough. While we've gotten used to really soft pizza crust and it taking 15 minutes to make good toast, I'd given up making bread after they always fell and never fully baked through, despite cooking for longer than the recipe required. And roasting veggies for over an hour still left them hard, and I almost always had to use the broiler to get cookies even somewhat baked. But two friends recently had excellently baked things in their big toaster oven, which were incidentally the same brand as each other's. So, although Ryan kept asking me "what are the specs?" in Chinese with translation it's REALLY hard to know what's good and what's not, so I thought I'd just go with a brand that seemed to work. They weren't super expensive either, and there was even a deal to buy one for a 1/3 of the price if I started the order that night!

But this seller required me to join something before buying (not really sure what...) and the fields to fill out were never right. It kept giving me an error pop-up message that (of course!) couldn't be selected and copied to translate. Ryan helped me try and fill out the right things, only to have the verification code I had to put in for my phone number expire. And my phone refused to receive another text.

That's when I gave up. I was up too late and hadn't even gotten anything ordered for all the hours of work and sacrificing sleep. We have 3 weeks before we leave for 2 months in America, which is exciting and a bit terrifying, as whatever we don't get done now likely won't happen for a long time, as we'll be bringing a one month old back...

Tears came as I tried to sleep. Partly because I cry more easily when I am over tired, and partly because I'm pregnant. But mostly because I just feel so incapable here. And things like this - being able to read and understand websites in Chinese (plus those popups you can't copy!) - will likely never get better.

I was fast in America. Capable. I ordered things online in a snap, or found good bargains on sale or at thrift stores. But as I tried not to think about it and Ryan tried to comfort me, everything little - but big in that moment - came flooding in. The fact that I haven't been clothes shopping since January. (It's too hard figuring out the size difference or knowing what is and isn't good quality, not to mention time.) I'm not lacking clothes, but my female side does miss shopping for something new now and then. Or the fact that I was down to one pair of good sandals for this summer, that completely gave out a few weeks ago. I tried to find new ones then, but the largest size stores sell don't fit my wide (not to mention pregnant!) feet. I have some not great for walking and also starting to fall apart to get by until we get back to the land where my 8 1/2 size feet aren't considered abnormally large, but when I have to walk so many places, I notice the lack more. My husband is currently wearing shoes to work that pinch his feet since his gave out and this was the largest men's size stores carry. My little girl is wearing mostly shirts that are stained, which no one really notices but me... But the local supermarket doesn't carry simple, normal looking (to me at least) t-shirts, children's boutiques or American brand stores are so expensive, and size and quality - not to mention the website in Chinese - is a headache to navigate online. And the photos I picked out to hange on our walls would have been uploaded and printed weeks ago, but right now I'm just trying to find time and the where-with-all to go to a local shop and try to point at things...

And there are other things... Like I've had to have two different Chinese friends pay bills for me recently, since moving messed some things up and online payments don't work for me. After a while you just get tired of asking, even though so many are happy to help.

It all seems rather silly now, though. I mean, we're fed and clothed and it's good to learn to do with less. I like not buying a lot of stuff. These "sufferings" are so minuscule compared to what millions endure. But the bothersome-ness of it all still pops up in moments like these... I never asked for these challenges to be on top of the full life of caring for a home and family.

But as the pity party thoughts pressed in, I realized that the root of it all is lack of reliance on God. There is so much to do and often not enough sleep, that lately time in His Word has been hit or miss. And as I try to cross things off of my lists, I slip into trying to do them in my own strength. The pride creeps in when they work, and the despair and "I can't take this!" hits hard when they don't. When really, God has all things under His control.

I have a suspicion that part of His plan in putting us in China was to teach me that I can't do it all. For an always reliable, likes-to-check-things-off, and I'll-figure-it-out-myself woman, this lesson is a hard one to learn, one I keep continuing to struggle with. "Capable Anna" just keeps wanting to be seen. But really, what I am here for is for others to see Christ in me.

I couldn't sleep, so took refuge in His Word. Lamentations 3:22-27 - "...the steadfast love of the Lord never fails... Great is His faithfulness... it is good to bear the yoke while young." The Psalms. "Hope in the Lord... His purposes never fail... Wait for Him." And while I wanted to stay mad and irritated at these challenges I never asked for, slowly my soul was stilled. And my pregnant, restless legs were eventually stilled enough too to allow me to sleep after getting up again to stretch. ;)

Why share this? To show that I still struggle (a lot!)... to mortify pride... to ask for prayer. God has been so good to allow us to return to the states for a short time, to have a baby where life makes a little more sense, and have a chance to buy things like shoes that fit and clothes at thrift store prices. But the enormity of trying to remember and buy everything we need in certain areas for our whole family for the next year... Between seeing friends and family and, oh yeah, having a baby (!) can seem overwhelming. Not to mention always questioning how much we should buy in America when our salary is in RMB and the exchange rate has gotten worse due lately. But hey - at least I'll be able to order online from websites in English using a payment method not requiring faulty text message verification. :)

Lord, please teach me more reliance on You and give me the discipline to look to You first and prioritize You more than my never done to-do lists...

Students Together

Learning Chinese. I now more fully understand the challenges everyone living in a different country faces. Not only does nearly every aspect of daily life take MORE time, not only are you without most of your family and friend's support, you're also somehow supposed to fit in time to learn a new language. And that on top of job and home and family responsibilities that are way more complicated in a different country than you ever thought.

We have been impressed at how much time people do sacrifice for it. Seeing friends who have studied intensively for a few years able to converse with almost anyone and even read characters is inspiring, and shows it really does pay off. But, for our situation in life, tutoring 3 times/week for an hour and studying on your own for even more just doesn't work. Yes, we could sacrifice more to fit more study in, but since we aren't planning to live here for life it's hard to know how much some of those sacrifices are worth it. Less time with a daughter who grows so fast so I can communicate a little more with a few strangers for the next two years? I just haven't been able to reconcile that.

And yet... Knowing more of the language would make daily life easier. We want to be able to connect more with local friends and be able to speak to others we see at the playground or just taxi drivers. We don't want to waste this great opportunity to learn a new language either, as it's rare to have such an opportunity!

Ryan, too, is busy working a full time job, being a great husband, and an amazing father. He doesn't want to take time away from us to study language either, as it seems every day Hadassah is growing and changing in some big way. The weeks fly by, and we're still behind on move-in tasks. Fit in something new?

But, we found a way to study language and bring him and I closer together! It's small - 1 hour/week with a tutor after Hadassah goes to bed on Thursday evenings, plus quizzing each other in the moments we get here and there. And yes, having a lesson together has the downside of less time for us to have individual talking time. But the quizzing each other and just learning together more than makes up for it. It gives us something we're both working on and thinking about, and I just love learning with Ryan, as he thinks to ask more questions than I ever would. He's also amazing at hearing and saying the tones Chinese requires, something I too often slack in, so has been ruthless in holding me to the right ones when we study, correcting me way more than my teacher does, so that I know I will improve with his help. He still has some of an upper hand on me with his grasp of Chinese, having lived here before, studied it in college, and just interacted with more taxi drivers and restaurant staff and so on, but I did get a little further on some vocabulary in my previous lessons. And while he has more time to quiz me during the day (as I'm doing dishes or getting lunch on the table or wrangling Hadassah or whatever), he gets the advantage of learning by teaching (which sometimes helps you remember more) so we're both benefiting.

It's a small step. We only just started, and we'll have to take a break in a month when we head back to America for 2 months. But, we finally decided we had to start somewhere, and something is better than nothing. I am grateful to be able to study with my best friend!

Heat Rash, Fevers, and our First Week of Moving

Ever have a week you just never ever want to repeat? Last week was like that.

Moving is crazy, whenever and wherever you do it. We knew that. But there were also various circumstances that made this last week especially overwhelming. One day I'll forget the details, so I thought I'd do a day-by-day re-cap. That way, we can look back one day and think life is easy comparatively!

Saturday
The movers arrived at 8:45 AM - early. There were three guys, and they strapped 5 boxes at a time together, carrying them down the stairs on their back, so the house was empty in now time. Our friends that came to help had hardly anything to do, but no one complained, as we HAD chosen the hottest Saturday all year to move. By 10 AM the last box was in our new place. The movers had hidden fees - like they'd "forgotten" to tell the friend that had hired them for us that, even if they only worked for an hour they'd have to be paid for a minimum of three hours - but we were thankful to be moved so quickly.

Friends in our new complex had us over for lunch (we ordered pizza) and dinner, providing a nice escape from our everything-in-boxes surroundings. We tried to get a semblance of order by moving things to at least the room they belonged in throughout the day, while also trying to give Hadassah a tad of normalcy with family play time. It was late by the time we went to bed, but at least our clothes were in our closet!

Sunday
Rather than the normal leave time of 8:15 AM for church, this Sunday Ryan was singing, so we had to leave an hour earlier. With an early-rising toddler it wasn't too hard, except I had to open 10 boxes before I found the salt to have with our eggs. Oh, and somehow I'd managed to leave all of my utensils in the drawer at our old apartment. A new IKEA rubber scraper came to the rescue! We made it out just a little late, after Ryan literally had to chase down a taxi.

Hadassah and I got a pastry while Ryan practiced... I was missing sleep and needed some zing to get through the service. Afterwards it was on to Shanghai Secondhand to return some things that didn't work and look at some new ones. Ryan took Hadassah to get lunch to go while I determined what to buy. It was 1 PM before we were in the taxi enjoying our food...

I fell asleep on the couch accidentally ("just sitting down for a minute" - yeah right!) while Ryan left to go to Xinzhuang (30 minutes away) to get internet and paint. Unfortunately he'd forgotten his passport, so the first didn't work out, but he eventually made it home with 2 cans of paint. The doorbell ringing with our washed curtains delivery woke me, and I was able to get my kitchen almost fully unpacked before Hadassah woke up. It felt so good! One of the first things Ryan thought to do for me was to remove the sliding glass doors to the kitchen, which I find no purpose for other than being an extra thing to clean! It makes the small area seem so much larger, and, despite it having no drawers, and the counters being (if possible!) even shorter than our other place, I really like how I've set up everything. It's handy.

We took Hadassah outside after supper, laughing after she slid down the slide, stared at an older gentleman, and exclaimed "Yeye has a tummy!" (there are times we're glad most people don't understand English!) at the site of his bare chest. It's super hot these days.

By Midnight, nearly everything was out of boxes, except books still waiting for their shelves.

Monday
*cue crazy music*

Hadassah seemed somewhat tired that morning, but hey, so was I! Moving is exhausting for us all. The painter arrived to do the first room, and I soon set off to get groceries, mentally going through all the things I needed to do and deciding food was priority. I knew taxis were often hit-or-miss in our new, less traffic area, so I didn't even try, walking the shady, slightly shorter way through the complex. I enjoyed having a new-to-us light-weight stroller (that even has a shoulder strap - so smart!) and timed the walk: 17 minutes door-to-door. Despite it being 8:30 AM, though, we were sweating a ton by the time we arrived.

God answered my prayer for a taxi for the way home, and as time went on and Hadassah still felt warm, I took her temperature. Uh oh. She had a fever. She'd been acting sensitive about her mouth too, so I hoped that maybe she was just teething...

Over lunch we decided to have the painter go ahead and paint the dining room a color too, so Ryan left prepared to go back to B&Q in Xinzhuang immediately after work. We needed internet, and he needed to take my phone for some things, so I had no way to contact him when I realized we might need a lighter shade of paint than we'd talked about. I also needed my kitchen utensils... So I waited as late as I could, thinking 4 PM might be a little cooler (please?), and walked over to our old place pushing Hadassah in the stroller. We were both drenched with sweat after 20 minutes. I emailed Ryan, did some needed online research, collected my precious cooking supplies, and headed back. It was rush hour, and I didn't want to look in vain for a taxi and try to get everything out of the stroller and into a car while those behind honked impatiently, so I made the hot walk back, feeling a little sorry for myself, I admit. July is no time to be walking outside here, and being almost 26 weeks pregnant didn't help matters.

After supper I borrowed a friend's phone to call Ryan, realizing he may not have gotten my emails, and it was a little breezy so we took the children to the playground for a few minutes. Hadassah's fever had gone down with tylenol, but I noticed there was a little rash around her mouth (from teething drooling perhaps?) and her eczema seemed to be flaring up, despite my best attempts to lotion, which normally worked. A nice bath routine, and she was tucked into bed, while I did more organizing waiting for Ryan to get home. We slept in the living room that night, as our new bed's mattress was extremely hard, and the foam pad we had caused Ryan to overheat. The couches have served us for a week now... (thankfully our new IKEA mattress topper got delivered today!)

Tuesday
Hadassah woke up with little red dots covering her body. But I didn't have much time to think about it, as I had to leave by 7 AM to go to a prenatal appointment at 8:30. Thankfully Ryan was able to stay home with Hadassah, so I began the hot walk towards the metro, going the long way hoping to find a taxi... It was 15 minutes before I did as I plodded along.

At the line interchange, I was confused by huge crowds and a blockade, with things being announced in Chinese. I finally learned the subway going downtown had broken down, and when getting a taxi or figuring out a bus looked to be in vain, and I couldn't get a hold of the doctor (the office wasn't open yet), I just turned around. Failed attempt. They understood and rescheduled me for the next afternoon...

By this time I could tell something was wrong with Hadassah. The fever and then unexplained rash concerned me, yet I couldn't research anything (internet wasn't yet installed), and couldn't call my doctor dad (again, no internet). I so wished I had a local pediatrician to call up or drop by, but instead Ryan had a co-worker who has offered to translate for us at the local hospital. Instead of dragging Hadassah downtown to the expensive, English-speaking place, we figured a rash wouldn't be too hard to diagnose, and the co-worker took an early lunch break to take us there at 11 AM.

I hated bringing Hadassah back out in the heat, but I hoped this would help her. There were 20 children ahead of us when we arrived, so we registered and then walked to get lunch. When we were finally seen, the doctor took one look and said "heat rash." Evidently it's common in hot Shanghai. Her throat was inflamed and a blood test confirmed she just had a virus to explain the returned fever. That plus likely teething causing a sore mouth and tons of drooling... I felt so sorry for my little girl who was miserable, crying "all done doctor" after they pricked her finger to get blood, and long past due for a nap.

From then on, my focus turned to caring for Hadassah rather than trying to do much on the house. Not hard to do when she took short naps and was cranky and clingy when awake. I researched how to care for heat rash, and felt so bad... I'd taken her out in the heat with a fever (though we needed food... what could be done?). I'd slathered her with lotion, which I later learned makes heat rash worse, thinking it would help her irritated skin. Thus began a regimen of corn starch on the really irriated patches, nightly lukewarm baths with cornstarch and later ground oatmeal, baking soda, and a little olive oil, which has finally helped her skin start to heal. But the poor girl looked and felt pretty horrible for quite a few days.

I cried that night after she was in bed. I couldn't stop. Nothing seemed to be working out, and I felt like such a bad mom dragging her out in the heat, doing the wrong thing when I noticed a little rash, and feeling helpless and ignorant on what to do right. Ryan was reassuring, and I had to come to grips yet again with the fact that I can't be a perfect mom, I will make mistakes, poor Hadassah has to be the one I learn on as I figure out these various ailments and treatments, and besides, I can't trust in myself - I have to trust in the Lord. Good lessons, but hard in the moment, especially on lack of sleep. We were up late as Ryan scrubbed walls again that night. It felt wrong to have to open windows to air out the painted rooms, after all the scrubbing we did in our war against the black dust that permeates the air...

Wednesday
Despite a late night, Ryan went into work early so he could go back to Xinzhuang. It seems the "good" brand of paint had different types, but how were we to know with almost everything in Chinese? With a strong smell coming from Hadassah's room (while she currently slept in what will be the baby's room), we realized our error. The paint had cost less than expected because they'd given us the normal grade, not the VOC-free kind. Rather than have to sleep in the living room for 2 weeks while waiting for our bedroom to air out, as we began an elaborate system of fans and open windows for Hadassah's room, Ryan went to get new, good paint, taking work documents to read on the way. It was lunch by the time he got home, and I put Hadassah to nap (something normally as simple as putting her in her crib and closing the door), telling her mommy needed to go to the doctor, so daddy would be there when she woke up.

She never went to sleep. I finally had to go, needing to make another IKEA trip for a few items before my appointment. We tried our new all-in-Chinese taxi app, which was a hoot in itself... Ryan met the taxi at the gate and brought it in to our building, loading up a rug we needed to return and telling him to wait while he went up. I then went down to get in the taxi. It took me a few minutes to understand what he was asking and make him understand that it was just me - my husband wasn't coming. The taxi started, only to have Ryan come running out and bang on the window. He'd forgotten to give me back my phone. He took my apartment key, told the taxi "Děng yīxià" (wait a moment) and went running back toward the moment. I yelled to him that if he was home I didn't need a key, that I needed to get going, and told the taxi driver in my limited Chinese, "Go." But he protested - "he said wait a moment!" probably thinking I was some crazy woman leaving my husband behind when he had told me to wait! Ryan realized the problem, came out to motion him to go, and we were finally on our way. The taxi wasn't sure about the route at first, and I could hardly understand or talk to him... The tears threatened. It had already been such a long week, and here I couldn't even hardly communicate after a year in this country. But we finally made it to IKEA - much to the relief of the taxi driver and myself... I wasn't sure what I'd do if he dropped me off in a random place with a large rolled up rug!

Returns happened, I sped through the store in the 30 minutes I had, and made it to my doctor's appointment just 10 minutes late. That took a while (more on it to be covered whenever I can finally write a pregnancy update!) so it was 4:30 PM before I made it out. Rush hour on the subway home...

Hadassah was going crazy (no nap plus sick and itchy and no mommy around) so Ryan didn't get any work done, as he'd planned to do while she napped. It was 6 PM before I made it home, so I picked up McDonalds - pretty much the last thing any of us wanted to eat, and Hadassah was hardly eating anyway with her sore, swollen mouth from teething and cold plus irritated rash. But, it was the only really fast food, and right at the station. We were all feeling pretty low. Hadassah quite a few times said "All done new house" as by then she mostly associated it with feeling sick and having to stay cooped up inside all day due to the heat. Though she normally watches very little, she got a lot of choo-choo trains, youtube songs, and Grandma-grandpa videos as she took shorter naps and had to stay inside, with the apartment topsy turvy from painting around her.

To be continued... I knew this wouldn't all fit in one post!

Lyrics to Life

These past 6 months have been hard. A lot has been uncertain... the future far from known. Hopes would go up, get dashed, get changed, get re-changed, and changed again. Waiting for direction has never seemed so hard or so long, as the months ticked by and we still didn't know what where we'd be in a month, or what we'd be aiming for.

God has answered. There are still a lot of questions, but we have some direction, and that is a huge blessing. Somehow, I know that I never will be through learning this lesson of trusting God amid a lot of unknown... After all, we are looking to things that are unseen, so our vision will never be clear this side of heaven.

Steven Curtis Chapman's album "The Glorious Unfolding" has often been played these past months. It often feels like he was reading my mind with the words that he sings, and they never failed to remind me to trust the Lord even when my emotions were all over the place. I streamed it so much on Youtube they started giving me ads between every song, as they could tell I'd listened to it so many times before!

Maybe some of the lyrics will encourage you too. Below are some of my favorites, relating to the struggles of the past months.

From "The Glorious Unfolding" -

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight;
Don't try to figure it out.
Just listen to what
I'm whispering to your heart.

Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be.
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it's just not true.
There's so much of the story that's still yet to unfold...

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding.
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed.
You've just got to believe the story is so far from over...
So hold on to every promise God has made to us,
And watch this glorious unfolding

God's plan from the start,
For this world and your heart,
Has been to show His glory and His grace;
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love.
And the story has only begun...

From "Take Another Step" - 

We walk by faith and not by sight, we know it's true.
We say it and sing it and love the way it sounds.
But none of us can even begin to truly understand
What it really means 'til all the lights go out.
And there we are, nothing to hold on to
But the promises God's made to me and you...

Take another step, take another step.
When the road ahead is dark,
And you don't know where to go.
Take another step, take another step;
Trust God and take another step.

If there's an ocean in front of you,
You know what you've gotta do,
Take another step and another step.
Maybe He'll turn the water into land,
And maybe He'll take your hand and say,
"Let's take a walk on the waves;
Will you trust Me either way?"

From "Something Beautiful" -

I see you sitting over there with your head in your hands
And the mess life's made of your best laid plans
You really want to shake your fist
But you don't know who to blame...

Oh, but grace has just begun.

And God's says:
I'm gonna turn it into something different,
I'm gonna turn it into something good.
I'm gonna take all the broken pieces
And make something beautiful like only I could.
So put it all in the hands of the Father;
Give it up, give it all over to
The only one who can turn it into
Something beautiful...
Something really beautiful

From "Finish What He Started" -

You take two steps forward and three steps back,
On a journey of a thousand miles.
And you cry and you pray,
But you know at this pace you never will arrive.
Well I know in your heart, you believed from the start,
God had a purpose He knit you together for.
But life has pulled at the seams
And you’re unravelling,
And you can’t hold it together anymore... 

But God will, He will finish what He started.
No thread will be left unwoven,
Nothing will be left undone.
Every plan and every purpose
That He has will be accomplished
And God will finish what He’s begun. 

And it may feel like 40 long days in a hard driving rain,
Or 40 years in a dry desert sand.
But when He’s finished we will SEE
A beautiful tapestry,
And know that nothing has been wasted in the end...

Isn't it amazing to have a God who is Sovereign, has had a plan from the beginning of time, and knows what's next even when you don't? I've discovered that I am still not good at waiting and not being able to have a plan myself, but He gives grace upon grace as He continues to teach me. He is good, and His ways are good. We can rest in His hands.

Now, go listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's album, "The Glorious Unfolding." Reading the lyrics doesn't do justice to the beauty and power of the songs!

Flying between China and the US... with a Toddler

Flying with a toddler is not for the faint of heart. Flying 14 hours with a toddler (plus airport delays) should give anyone a prize. It's not something I would wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy (if I had one). When we got home, I thought "I never want to do that again. Ever." Only problem is, it's the only way to get back out of China, so one day, we'll face it again...

I did quite a bit of research, googling the title of this post, trying to find anything to help. Some things gave good advice:

-pack lots of new toys

-wrap them individually for extra interest and a few more seconds taken up

-pack lots of snacks

Ryan's advice was to just not think about it, since it was going to be miserable. He may have been the wiser of us two. ;)

Traveling during the holidays in the winter added its own dimension. I'll go through our experiences, both to document them and maybe give some people advice on what to prepare for. But the big things we learned?

- If your toddler is in your lap, don't fly over your night if you can help it. She may sleep, but you won't, and you'll be exhausted when you arrive!

- Don't fly through Chicago in the winter. Just don't.

- Do pack lots of good food - you won't regret it!

- Pack light. Your toddler doesn't need all of her favorite stuffed animals... her best one will do and you won't want to lug them around, especially the one that plays songs if it's accidentally poked!

But, on to looking back at our adventures...

It started on Saturday, December 20th. Our flight didn't leave until 6 PM, so we spent the morning on final packing, some cleaning up, and got to relax while the little one got a good nap. It was great, and we were thinking overnight flights were the way to go!

We headed out around 2 PM, stuffing a taxi full of luggage and pointing out the airplanes ( Fēijī ) as we got closer to the airport. Hadassah was super excited to see them. I'd been talking to her for a week, telling her that we were going to fly on a  Fēijī soon to go see Grandma and Grandpa. She'd get excited. I'd even tell her we were bringing a pillow for her to sleep on, pretending to close my eyes and snore, and she'd copy my snore back. I think she got some of the idea...

Shanghai's Pudong airport is fairly well set up, and the best part is the large carts they have for free. We were able to use them all the way from the curb 'til security, which helped with our all of our heavy bags.

We were in high spirits, until we had to wait for 45 minutes, trying to solve the debacle of them having no record of Hadassah being a "child in lap" on my ticket. I had called the airlines to make sure she got on when we booked the tickets, I'd seen the fee for it go through on our credit card statement, and when we'd tried to check in online the night before, it had told us we couldn't because we had an child in lap. But, "we have no record of her" is all we kept hearing. Finally, after being transferred to another agent, with 2 more coming up to help and making phone calls, they told us the ticket for her had been issued but never confirmed, whatever that meant. We would have to pay the fee again to get her on our lap, which we could later call up and dispute with the airline if we had indeed paid it before.

Lesson learned: always print out any record you have of your tickets, especially if you are traveling with a baby.

We got through security and had just enough time to get supper and let Hadassah walk some, as she excitedly watched airplanes take off and land out the window. Then, it was time to join the long line boarding the airplane.

We were excited to start! We were going to see our family! We'd counted down the days, and it was here!

The knowledge that it was going to be a long night began when we changed Hadassah into pajamas at her normal bedtime. It was just an hour after we boarded, which looking back wasn't enough time for her to calm down and realize we were going to be in a new place for a long time. She didn't want to go to sleep, so we walked the aisles some, and eventually she finally nursed to sleep.

Which was great, but very uncomfortable for me... Any movement I made had the potential to wake her up, as she was not used to sleeping with me. So I froze in one position, as my back and legs and shoulders got tight and numb. But, it was worth it if it meant Hadassah slept!

Lesson learned: it might be worth the money to book a separate seat for a toddler on such a long flight. But when it's $1000 more to spend, it is hard...

So as the night went on, we felt more and more like this...

Hadassah woke every hour or two, always very confused, wondering where we were. She would eventually nurse back to sleep, after some distraction, but she didn't really want to play toys, even if they were new (after all, it felt like night to her!) and we wanted to keep her quiet as possible, since many around us were sleeping. 

It didn't help that we had turbulence almost our whole flight. So when she woke up crying and I was trying to calm her down, I stood up once to walk, knowing that would do the trick, but a flight attendant told me to sit down. I understood - it was dangerous - but it was hard, knowing that her crying was disturbing others. Thankfully, though she had quite a few short crying sessions, she had no major meltdowns, and we were able to to quiet her some way or another. She definitely nursed a TON more than she had in a long time! But, a different place allowed for different practice than we had at home!

There were also about 6 other babies in our section, so I didn't feel too bad if Hadassah cried, since often another one was too. All-in-all, it was amazingly quiet for that many young ones in one area!

When she did sleep, I tried to distract myself from the pain in my back and legs and keep myself from moving by watching movies on my personal screen. Ryan was great about putting my earphones in so I didn't have to move. ;) But I didn't enjoy how American Airlines had their entertainment: you couldn't start and pause what you wanted to watch whenever. They had different loops going for the different shows, so you could "join" them. So I never actually made it through a whole movie, as Hadassah would wake up before one finished, and I couldn't pause it and start back the next time she slept... 

Lesson learned: Go with an airline that has the ability to pause and restart entertainment, or maybe bring your own. I don't usually watch a ton of things, but it's the best way to pass the time when you can't move.

When we finally touched down in Dallas, after about 12 1/2 hours of flight, it was early morning body time. And Hadassah couldn't yet move... I'd forgotten how many LINES you have to stand in and wait for things as you collect luggage and go through customs! Thankfully Dallas was set up well, and the workers were very friendly. The system was efficient; we got all of our bags, went through customs, and there was someone waiting to take our bags and check them for our next flight very smooth. There were more minor meltdowns, though, which I completely understood...

Lesson learned: If you're traveling with a baby, they may swab your hands for suspicious chemicals. I had that done 3 times over our trip, before I asked why they were checking me. Something to do with if you're carrying liquids for a baby, they're more suspicious that you might be trying to smuggle in a bomb. Weird. ;)

 

We had a few hours for a layover - which turned into even longer - but there was thankfully a play place for children in our terminal. It was so good for Hadassah to be able to move, play with new things, and just be a toddler!

Our connection flight was supposed to leave at 8:45 PM the new time (we'd landed around 6 PM) but as we sat at our gate, we kept not seeing our flight appear on the screen. We kept asking, and they kept saying it was delayed... it would be after the one currently on the screen...

It was frustrating. We were exhausted, we were so close to family and rest, but we had to wait and wait. Hadassah made friends with a little boy waiting with his mom, and they switched toys to play with something new. :) Ryan got me a real chocolate sundae from McDonalds, after having too many experiences in China with either the ice cream being sour, or the chocolate syrup being grainy and not sweet... So that was a highlight: we were in the US again!

And when all we wanted to do was lay on the floor (we were currently on hour 27 or so with no sleep), there was a sweet little one to spontaneously snuggle us. She really did SO well over the whole trip, all things considering! We were tired, but we were together, and she seemed to enjoy the time with mommy and daddy.

But we definitely felt out of it. This was our attempt to look how we felt. Not pretty. ;)

Finally, around midnight our new time, we were on our way to Montgomery! It was a fairly smooth flight, with Hadassah conking out on takeoff and sleeping nearly the whole 1 1/2 hour flight.

And my parents were amazing to pick us up at the airport though it was after 1 AM! But we were there - we were home! It felt so good to be in that airport again, the place of so many happy reunions when Ryan and I were courting and engaged but living hundreds of miles apart...

Jet lag was crazy. I covered some of it earlier. Hadassah was ready to play just after I was finally able to sleep, and she never fully got back to sleeping well our whole trip. Tiring. So good to be with family and friends in Alabama, Atlanta, and Indiana. But tiring.

Fast forward to Monday, January 5th. It was time to leave...

This time, we set out early in the morning, pulling out of the driveway just after 5 AM. Ryan's parents were so kind to go with us to the airport, on a workday morning nonetheless, and help with all the luggage.

Again, we had to wait for at least 30 minutes, as a new employee tried to figure out how to handle a "child in lap." Guess it's not a common thing, and we're still not sure what the trouble was, but at least we had the grandparents there to do songs and fingerplays and get some extra snuggles with Hadassah. She was a bit more reserved that morning, as if she knew she was going to have to say goodbye...

Going through security in Louisville was the easiest ever. We had taken our time, getting breakfast before we went through, as our flight was delayed by an hour. But as we joined the really long security line, I saw our flight on the screen was showing it's original, earlier time. I panicked for a moment - it was supposed to leave in 20 minutes! I said something to Ryan, and as if the security worker heard me, she just then directed us to the shorter, "pre-check" line. We didn't have to take off our shoes, take our electronics out of the bag or anything. It was incredible!

Lesson learned: sometimes things actually work better than expected!

We hurried to our gate, only to find that the screens were wrong and our flight was still delayed. It had something to do with the amount of hours to rest the crew needs before starting a new flight, and they'd been in late the night before. It did make us nervous about making our connection to Shanghai, but we figured maybe that one would be delayed too, with the way things were going...

So we had time to let Hadassah walk and watch planes, and she was her happy little self.

Lesson learned: leaving first thing in the morning actually works better for us all - we've all gotten sleep (maybe not a full night, but some!) and are ready to tackle the adventure.

The delays kept getting longer. We sat on the plane for a while before take-off, and then once we landed in Chicago we sat on the plane for about an hour before a gate opened up. The temps were below freezing, and planes were being delayed in leaving as they had to be de-iced, so the planes that kept arriving had no where to go. We used up a lot of toys and books we had planned to save for the long flight to China, and pretty much gave up hope of missing our connection.

Lesson learned: buying cheap new-to-you little toys and books from thrift stores is definitely a great idea! I was so happy to have been in the land of great thrift stores again!

But we were going to try. When we finally got into the gate and off of the plane, we hurried to a screen listing departures, saw the gate our flight was at and took off running. Immediately we heard on the intercom "Ryan and Anna Wolfe, please come to gate K16. In two minutes doors will be closing." Nothing like that to get your heart racing! We were at K2, so it was possible... I told Ryan to run ahead and tell them to wait, as I had a backpack full of kids books plus Hadassah in the ERGO, and am NOT the runner of the family!

We arrived breathless, (Ryan got there first, and the first thing they said to him was "where's your wife?") and they kindly helped us with our boarding passes and told us to breathe. We couldn't believe it - we'd made it! We were praising God.

But as we sat and sat and sat and sat... for hours on board the plane going no where, we kind of wished we hadn't made it in time. A lavatory wasn't working. That got fixed only to announce that the water line was frozen. They finally got a heater to come try to de-ice it, but nothing worked. Finally, to everyone's relief, they said we could get off as they continued working on it. They handed out lunch vouchers and told us to check back after we'd eaten, that maybe they'd be able to leave around 4 PM.

It being 1 PM or so, we took our time. One thing AA did well was their vouchers. They were generous, and even gave us enough for three people since we had a baby. We enjoyed a delicious late lunch with pizza, an awesome hamburger, and Caesar salad. It might be our last meal in America for a while, so we may as well go all out!

After time to let Hadassah enjoy the sparkly floor nearby and repack some things, we set out to check the status of our flight. But the gate area was deserted. We asked an attendant at another gate, and she reacted with surprise when we gave our flight number. "Oh - that one's been canceled."

What? No notice?? I guess if we'd stayed in the gate we would have heard something... But she directed us to their re-booking area complete with phones. It took about 30 minutes, complete with the phone randomly dropping the call and him calling us back on our cell phone, but we were booked on a direct flight to Shanghai leaving the next day. During that time, Hadassah fell asleep, as it was way past night time... Horray for ERGO carriers!

Now what? We ran into someone I recognized as sitting behind us on the flight that never moved, and she told us we needed to get our luggage, and only then would we be given hotel vouchers.

We made our way downstairs, Hadassah still asleep, and found the luggage just sitting in clumps. But all 200 lbs was there, and we paid $5 for the last little luggage cart. One way Shanghai's airport was better - their carts were bigger and free!

We carefully maneuvered back upstairs, only to see the line we needed to be in was at least 200 people long. What??? It was nearing 5 PM now, and we were exhausted. We joined the line, and a worker soon told me to go sit down, that my husband could stand in line for us. Guess I was pulling off the "I am completely exhausted, done with everything, and have a baby asleep on me" look rather well.

A few workers stopped to ask Ryan what we needed, and he kept telling them we already had a flight booked - we just needed hotel and meal vouchers. We were contemplating just leaving and paying for a hotel ourselves as Hadassah woke up, but a minute later another worker came up, took pity, and went off to get us vouchers.

We pulled our winter jackets out, but didn't feel up to digging through to find gloves and hats. Regretted it a bit once we felt the sub-zero air outside. We'd forgotten how cold COLD is! But we finally made it onto the shuttle and into our hotel...

They gave us a room at the Marriott. Incredibly comfortable, especially after cramped planes and busy airports all day! We snuggled and played with Hadassah on the bed, finally relaxed...

The generous meal vouchers covered a nice dinner and the deluxe buffet breakfast the next morning. Not airplane food for sure! It was a bright spot amid exhausting travel... we ate and slept so well, and were ready to face it again the next day...

Lesson learned: People do go out of their way to help and give you more vouchers when you have a baby! So thankful!

We even got to see what will probably be the only snow we see this winter. Seeing the landscape all white again brought back good memories of our newlywed year, but still gave me no desire to move back to the land of snow. ;) I think I'll always prefer the south! But, we got a picture in and Ryan even threw a snowball to make things legit.

We got to the airport two hours before our plane was to leave, thinking that would be good enough. We went to the self check-in, now flying United Airlines, only to scan our passport and be told "your ticket and itinerary do not match." What??

The airport was crazy. A lot of flights had been delayed or canceled, and traffic was bad as cars slid off the road, a grandpa in line behind us said, as it took them so long to get to the airport they missed their flight. We finally got to an attendant who could help, who told us our ticket had been booked, but not fully bumped over. Huh? It was hard to be too upset, though, given how many people had to be re-booked. She was kind, made lots of calls, and after 45 minutes we had tickets and boarding passes for the flight we were aiming for. Again, that "child in lap" took the most time to figure out...

We finally got to weigh our bags only to find they were all overweight! Either the scales were wrong, or the kids books Hadassah's had read the day before and I'd stuck in the checked luggage to lighten our carry-on load pushed them over. So Ryan kept throwing things to me, and somehow we got them all stuffed in our carry-ons and ready to go.

Lesson learned: pack less books! But, when you live in China and cheap (thrift store!) English kids books are hard to find... it's hard to bring less.

We were on the run again. We had 40 minutes before our flight left (it was already boarding) and the lines for security stretched longer than ever. Our hearts sank as we thought of having to be rebooked again. But then the lady who had just helped us came running up, and said "follow me. They called and told me they're waiting for you, but I have to get you through." She started unhooking barriers and leading us straight through, past the dog to sniff luggage and it's disgruntled security officer owner. "What are you doing??" he asked but she was undeterred. She lead us to get our things scanned, and sent us on our way. The amount of bins we had to use to get through security renewed our desire to pack WAY lighter next time, but finally all was put back together, and we started to run. 20 minutes 'til take-off!

Hadassah rather liked the bouncing as I ran, and we made it. We made it!

We had to sit for about an hour before the flight took off, due to a broken lavatory or something... Now I know: travel time will ALWAYS be longer than you think! But we were finally in the air, squished in the middle of the center, but at least the flight attendant had asked people to move so we were together. And the people on either side of us didn't complain as we got out every hour or two...

The flight was smoother than before. We walked more due to less turbulence and it being day. Hadassah got bored more, as she was awake more, but she loved looking out at the beautiful mountains outside the window as we crossed Alaska. It was nice having a place to stand in the back of the plane and look out! United's entertainment system was even worse, as they just had a few screens in each section for everyone to see, with no choice of what to watch. But most of the movies were actually pretty good, and it gave something to watch. We did miss the personal flight tracker we had with screens in each seat, though, as Hadassah had loved touching the buttons to get to the Fēijī and it had kept her occupied for 10 minutes at a time before!

But, we made it. Hadassah did amazing all things considered, slept some especially as it got to be our body's night time, and though we were counting the hours that seemed to drag, finally we were there. It was around 4 PM Shanghai time, though it felt in the middle of the night. But not as bad as before... flying this way was definitely easier, and recovering from jet lag was too. Somehow the way the body works flying with the sun.

We got through customs, collected our luggage, and stepped out into the cold-ish night. Immediately the smell of cigarette smoke overwhelmed us, and I knew we were back. Back to pollution and cigarette smoke on every street and in every taxi. It was hard for a few moments. But, we were home...

Lesson learned: coming home, even if it's in a foreign country, will always be a relief. Back to your own space, your own little family's routine, and a house set up for a toddler. It was a blessing to be back.

And the discomfort of flying does fade with time. Soon after coming home, I didn't want to think about ever doing it again. Now, I look forward to the next time we can see family... they are worth making the trek. I'll just try to not think about the flight required...

Lesson learned: (passed on from an experienced friend) When flying between the US and China, just expect everything to go wrong. That way when it doesn't, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

A New Year... a Growing Girl!

We got back to Shanghai on Wednesday evening, after 2 crazy days in airports (more on that in another post!). It's been somewhat of a blur since then, with jet lag, unpacking, getting back into routine, and trying to get sleep. Thankfully, after waking up every 2 hours wanting to play and/or nurse the second night home, Hadassah is now just waking once. It's later in the night each time, so we're hoping she soon sleeps straight through again.

She's growing so fast...

 Playing dress up with fun accessories...

 Saying "Meow!" when I put on her new warm kitty hat this morning, though it's been a few days since I told her it was a kitty. She remembers so much!

Using a fork... she's getting pretty good with a spoon and today wasn't enthused about eating her avacado (which she normally loves) so I brought out the fork and she loved trying to stab them, usually needing our help, but eventually cleaning her plate. 

She also says "uh oh" in the cutest way when things fall, often with her hands out, as she's doing in the picture above. :) 

 She just looks so grown up!

At 14 1/2 months, she's talking so much, mostly gibberish, but surprising me each day with how many "real" words she repeats. She's got most of her animal sounds down pat, and this morning as she was saying "ff" when she saw a dog, the dog barked a deep bark, and she started imitating the sound it made - so much fun! Context is everything though, because so many of her words sound alike: the basic sound of "na na" can mean "no no" (she's great at correcting herself!), "night night" for her lamb blanket, and "noodle" - I can distinguish some difference, but they're pretty slight!

Today felt like the true start of the new year, as before we were traveling and things were just topsy turvy. Today we'd gotten enough sleep to get up early, start back on normal routine, and I even got good time for devotions and journaling. I've forgotten how much writing helps me get perspective and remember to trust God and not focus on the hardships. Because somewhere along the way, I'd given up.

China was just too hard. We talked about moving home. Things were overwhelming, with pollution, all the extra work, being far from family, and other health risks, plus not being in community or having a babysitter close by. They're legitimate concerns, and we haven't made a final decision. But, I'd pretty much decided things weren't ever going to get better and stopped really trying.

It's humbling to admit. Growing up, I never thought I would go overseas myself, never had that urge or "call", but always knew I'd support my husband if he wanted to go. It was worth doing - and how hard could it be? A lot harder than I thought. I'd heard that the first year is the hardest, but until you're in the situation and having thing after thing pile up, it's hard to understand. I know now.

But there are also a lot of blessings. I wouldn't trade this time or opportunity, no matter how hard and uncomfortable it is in the here and now. God is working, often in ways we can't yet see.

Thankfully Ryan, while also facing some struggles, has a good perspective. He weighs the pros and cons, is praying and seeking solutions, but also has determined to not be negative. It's so easy, when the culture is different and things aren't the way you think they should be. But he's inspired me. We're helping each other remember not to say negative remarks about the way life is here, and are renewed in wanting to persevere.

So while getting back to life here, combined with the exhaustion of travel and never wanting to fly that far with a toddler again prompted a meltdown on Saturday, I'm praying for joy and feel a renewed sense of purpose. If nothing else, being here is refining me; it's causing me to see my sin, and making me fall again on our amazing, gracious Savior. Knowing Him is so worth it all.

And, He gives good gifts to His children. Each day is a gift just because we have life and breath, but today felt like a special gift from God. The last three days were really badly polluted... between 200 and 270 on the air quality index, termed "health warnings of emergency conditions." Last night as we looked at the haze yet again through the window, I prayed, "Lord, please make tomorrow a less polluted day." I didn't have much faith... I just was desperate to be able to take my daughter outside. But this morning I checked it when I got up and...the AQI was 50. "Moderate." We enjoyed quite a few outings today, and the blue sky lifted both of our spirits. We are blessed!

So, life goes on. Who knows what 2015 will hold? 2014 definitely held more than I ever imagined! But God has been and is faithful. Who's with me in praying for joy and seeking to glorify Him in 2015?

December Cold

Colds aren't the only cold we're getting around here.

People warned us that the winter was cold. Coming from the north, and looking at the average temperatures and the fact that it hardly ever snows here, we laughed just a little. I mean, how bad can it be?

We're not laughing now.

It's hard to complain much. I mean, we just came from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, where snow covered the ground from November to March. The fact that it's only been this week that I've hesitated to take Hadassah walking outside due to it being really chilly says something. We like this climate weather wise. While the recent 37* F morning e-bike ride to work for Ryan is really really cold, it's still crazy to think he's riding a bike in December!

But we had the excuse to try out Hadassah's big coat a friend gave us. No, we can't find her hands in it. We call it her marshmallow coat. :)

But, it's cold inside. Like really cold. Knowing the fact that I couldn't get warm and my feet felt like they were freezing all day made me want to get some numbers. The heater in the corner of the living room and bedrooms was set to 78* F and even turns off and on, suggesting it reaches that temperature, but it definitely is NOT that warm in the room.

So I pulled out our alarm clock (which is a story in itself - ordering stuff online in Chinese going by pictures and Google translate sometimes means you get a clock that only plugs in via usb - huh? - or if you run it on batteries doesn't stay on so you have to hit it to see what time it is) which also happens to tell us the temperature. Made for cold indoors, maybe? We'd noticed that our bedroom seemed to hang around 57* F, only getting up to 59* if we ran the heater all night long, so I was curious...

Hadassah's room is, thankfully the warmest. We run the heater almost constantly in there, she has thicker curtains, and her room is 64* if the door's open or 66* or even 68* if the door's been closed while she sleeps. That combined with her thick, fuzzy footed pajamas means she sleeps warm. The living room comes in second, reaching 64* if the heater has been on and the sun is shining through the window, but usually hanging around 62* with the heat on.

Our room is by far the coldest, and the bathroom? I had to check, since my feet felt like they were going to stick to the floor from the cold when I got up in the middle of the night. The result? 53* F. It did warm up some during the day (if you call 57* warm!) but still... I now know why people didn't use to take a bath all winter. And what was the logic in installing a huge window right next to the shower?? I haven't had the heart to give Hadassah a bath in over a week...

This is what your husband will do (cover you in blankets) if he finds you curled up, shivering, not wanting to cook in the cold kitchen. I speak from experience.

Yeah. It's crazy.

And yes, we're taking steps to make it warmer. Catching up on computer stuff last night, I sat on my feet for 45 minutes and they finally thawed out! I felt warm for the first time all day! We're wearing lots and lots of layers, and hopefully getting warmer socks and slippers soon. We're also planning to buy a heater or two at the secondhand store this Sunday, though I'm not sure how well it will work. And Ryan's favorite part of the day is his morning coffee. Almost made me contemplate drinking it... but nah. I may try to start liking tea though... we'll see. Because when you drink water that's been put through your filter (and thus at room temperature) it makes your insides freeze!

So, if you have warmth this winter, be thankful. Be thankful for the heating systems installed in American houses, or at least a fire as a spot to get warm. I never realized how much I took for granted.

And pray for us. It is so easy to start complaining again, to say "I'm done. I've had enough." Ryan gets to escape to work where there is, thankfully, central heat, but sometimes I feel like I'll never be warm. Except at night, after the initial plunge into icy sheets, our many blankets do the trick making it hard to get out of bed in the morning.

However, God is still good. God is still faithful. With so many earthly comforts being tested, I'm realizing how much I have to look to Him for joy. After all, He is the only thing that lasts. I fail so many times. But, our God is a patient teacher.

But... I'm also dreaming of a WARM Christmas...

Thankful.

Recently, it's been easier to focus on things to complain about rather than the things we are blessed with.

It's easy to do. The little things pile up, until you hit the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back."

Case in point: last Saturday's date night.

It was a mostly great day. We got some rest, more time reading, some projects done, and enjoyed throwing a frisbee in an open field - it doesn't get much better than that.

We got some cute pictures of Hadassah...

And she got surrounded by group after group of touring high school students, getting her picture taken by probably at least 75 of them while all she wanted to do was just play with rocks. ;)

Then, we headed out to eat. Not wanting something we'd done before, we decided to try a place that looked popular... and ended up walking out before even getting a menu. So then we decided to try the place right outside our complex's gate. It also looked popular. Stepping inside and seeing rows of raw meat to be grilled ourselves should have clued us in. But Hadassah was going to be crazy if we didn't eat soon... surely there was something there?

The exposed raw meat with flies buzzing would surely not pass any food safety inspections. We ended up grilling some broccoli, and eating what seemed the "safest" food there: fried egg rolls and chicken nuggets. Yeah, not the healthiest... There was sweet watermelon (in November??) that we were thankful for... but overall we ended up feeling sick and rummaging the fridge when we got home.

Oh yes, when we got home Hadassah promptly covered herself in a pool of pee as I was changing her diaper, so I handed her off to Ryan for an emergency bath and brought her clothes to the laundry room only to find the load I'd run earlier was sitting in a tub of water because the machine had stopped draining properly. Great.

By the time the little one was safely tucked into bed, we were ready to just crash with a movie... something to de-stress. But our VPN wasn't working (the internet here has been really really bad and inconsistent lately) so YouTube wouldn't load, and YouKu (the Chinese version) didn't have any good, free movies in English. So we resorted to using our external DVD drive to connect to our laptop (did I mention our computer is also pretty slow and inconsistent?) to watch one of the two DVDs we'd brought with us... and discovered that wasn't working.


So we sat on the couch and aired our woes, yes complaining some... We couldn't even post the funny status to Facebook about our date night failures because it wouldn't load. But we ended up laughing through the moans of our upset stomachs, thankful to just be together.

Thankful. Thanksgiving is here. It's a quiet day, as Ryan has work as usual. But we've got 13 adults and 6 children coming on Saturday for a Thanksgiving feast, so there is celebration ahead. And I have my weekly skype date with a dear sister of the heart, and this evening, we'll be together. Our small little family. That's something to be grateful for: usually as a young family you're never alone for holidays, as it's such a good time to be with extended family. I like big large family gatherings, but it just hit me that this year we get time to make memories with just us... and that is something to be treasured.

We went for a walk on Sunday afternoon, and while we started out complaining - after all, if it isn't the yowling cats keeping me awake for 3 hours in the early morning, it's the mosquitoes buzzing in our ear at 3 AM - but we decided to try to focus on things we were thankful for by specifically being in China:
 - A good job for Ryan, that is growing his skills, giving him way more responsibility and leadership than he'd have in America, familiarity with more things than he'd be able to work on at a larger company, and growing his career
- Good colleagues and a great work environment, with no cubicles making things more social and collaborative
- A nice apartment - we really are blessed with a great one that we enjoy.
- A daughter - cute, expressive, inquisitive, bright, and such a joy. We're pretty amazed that we get to be her parents!
- Good neighbors. I mean, who would have ever guessed we'd live right next to people who spoke great English and were so interested in being our friends?
- Each other. We're learning more about each other and growing through the "trials" and are thankful for these experiences.
- Our church. Though we don't like the distance, we never expected to find a church we meshed with so well in Shanghai.
- Nature. We really live in a pretty, well landscaped place, and on Sunday discovered a hidden path by a river with the most gorgeous fall trees...

Right now, this seems like a very hard season. But I know one day we'll look back and it will be one we remember with fondness, that we're thankful for. And I want to be thankful now.

I'm thankful for the fact that it's teaching me to do with less.

I'm thankful for the time with my husband and my daughter. I do get more time with them because there are less friends and family to be with. Long term, being without community is not what I'd chose. But, this is still a sweet season.

I'm thankful at the opportunity to see the Lord's faithfulness. Sometimes it's hard to see why how this move fits into His grand plan, but we know it does, that nothing's wasted, and that this is part of our loving Father's good gifts to us.

I feel like complaining a lot more over here. I fail in looking at the bright side so often. But I'm thankful for this opportunity to learn more perseverance.

So Thanksgiving dawned in China with memories of family, missing them, and shedding some tears. But, I'm learning to be thankful through the tears... realizing how hard it is to "be thankful in all circumstances" but that is what we are called to. This lesson is a good one to learn.

Lord, help me to be more thankful...